Dear Josey,

I’ve been in a relationship with a really nice guy for about nine months now. The only thing we’ve ever argued about is that, even though it’s been over a year since he broke up with his last girlfriend — whom he dated for two years — he still has various artifacts from their relationship scattered around his cluttered room — things I know he’s only kept because they’re from her. I know he’d never cheat on me, but it’s kind of unnerving to look up while getting it on and see his ex girlfriend’s hair clip lying around. He says the relationship has faded into the background in his mind so these things mean nothing but he knows they bother me so why doesn’t he make more of an effort to get rid of them? I wonder if I’m making too big a deal out of this. Or maybe I’m jealous because I don’t have many mementoes from past relationships, none of which have lasted as long as this one. What should I do?

Tired of Facing His Past

Dear Tired,

I hardly think your problem is that you don’t have more hair clips from your past relationships, though you may well feel threatened by the fact that this is your longest relationship, while his with this woman lasted two years. You’ve only got nine months on her two years and her stuff may be a constant reminder of that. But regardless of why it bothers you, it bothers you and you’re right, even if he claims it means nothing (or especially if it means nothing) , he should be respectful of this and ditch her stuff. Or at least put it somewhere that you won’t see it while you’re getting it on. It’s fine to keep a few token items as reminders of past relationships. I’ve never believed in erasing one’s past. It’s what makes us who we are in the present. But generally these things have some significance. Unless they shared elaborate hair doing rituals, a hairclip isn’t exactly keepsake material.

Ask him why he keeps this crap around. If he says it doesn’t mean anything, ask him to clear it out, or at least clear it out of your sight. If he’s simply a packrat who can’t clear his clutter, tell him you’ll be happy to help. If he still can’t do it, methinks the relationship hasn’t faded as far into the background as he says it is.

Dear Josey,

My ex and I have finally gotten to the point where we can be friends (about five months after we split). I’d like to invite him to a get-together I’m hosting, but I also want my new guy to come. They know about each other but haven’t yet met. What’s the etiquette here?

Party Puzzled

Dear Party,

You could always set up a boxing ring in the middle of your living room floor and have them duke it out in front of all your guests.

It really all depends how they both feel about each other. Does your new guy think it’s OK that you’re friends with your ex? Is your ex comfortable with the fact that you’re dating someone new?
If the answer is no to either of these questions, you might want to think twice about having them in a room full of all your friends where alcohol is being served. Even if they are comfortable with the idea of each other, it’s still a good idea to give each of them a heads up.

Let your new guy know you’d like to invite your ex. He’ll appreciate you coming to him first rather than being taken by surprise. On the other hand, he might wonder why you feel the need to tell him if you no longer have feelings for your ex. In which case, tell him to stop being such an immature idiot.

As for your ex, tell him you’d really love him to be at your party but that you would understand if he is uncomfortable in the same room as your new guy. That way, he’s free to make his own informed choice.
If they both decide to come, be sure and introduce them during the party. If you know they have something in common, let them know this. It will give them something to talk about. During the party, be respectful of both their feelings. Don’t start making out with your new guy in front of your ex and don’t spend hours reminiscing with your ex in front of your new guy.

You also might want to let your other guests in on the situation, especially those who know both your ex and your new guy. If they have a relationship with your ex, they might feel like they are betraying his friendship by being friendly with your new guy. And vice versa.

Sounds like a hoot, doesn’t it? Have fun.

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©Josey Vogels 2009

Tags: Dear Josey, Josey Vogels, relationship column, relationship issues