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“You only had sex with me two times this week and, as per our agreement, you promised me three times a week. So I get to control the remote control for the next week.”
Dr. Ava Cadell, a self-declared Loveologist (Cadell is a certified Sexologist but came up with the term when mainstream American TV talk shows were uncomfortable with the “s” word) is the genius behind the Mutual Love Agreement (MLA), a signed document that outlines each partner’s boundaries and expectations for the relationship, citing everything from “deal breakers” and sexual needs to relationship goals and social calendars.
When I first came across the MLA, it seemed rather ludicrous, even gimmicky. The sample contract I saw included clauses that had partners agreeing to things like “full honesty” and “never shouting.” I thought, hell, what relationship doesn’t include a little innocent lying and a snippy response once in a while. But, talking to Cadell, I began to see its brilliance. The whole point of the contract is that, unlike vague marital promises to honour, cherish and blah, blah, blah, the MLA gives you the opportunity to really spell things out and negotiate the details…together.
The first section is the full disclosure section where you reveal any skeletons — financial secrets, health problems the other person should know about, freaky sexual preferences. After that, it’s up to you. If your sweetie has a short fuse, you might request a clause saying that he can’t resort to calling you names. That doesn’t mean he’ll never lose his temper again, but if he does, you’ve negotiated a punishment for this behaviour, like popping $20 into a jar, money you agree will go towards a trip together at the end of the year. Hopefully, you won’t get to travel far.
“By writing it down, you both agree to certain intentions, rules by which to run your relationship,” explains Cadell. “I have partners come up with deal breakers and rate them 1-10. That way there can be no misunderstanding about how important anything is to either party at any point in the relationship, be it parenting choices or how important boys’ night out is to you. And the contract can be renegotiated at any time as long as both parties agree.”
Of course, one of the dangers of a contract is that either partner might be tempted to constantly use it against the other person waving it in their face any time they didn’t comply: “You signed a contract saying you’d have sex with me three times a week so you have to be in the mood…”
“That’s what forces you to really think about what you agree to,” Cadell acknowledges. Since she introduced the MLA over a year ago, over 100 couples have given her positive feedback and about 20 couples tore it up. They were usually the ones who agreed to things they really didn’t mean and weren’t willing to be accountable for.
If it all sounds more business than romance, Cadell again agrees. “I look at love as a business,” she explains. “In business, you invest time and effort; in love, you need to invest time and effort or it will fall apart. In business, you need to plan and collaborate. Same with love. In business, you have to negotiate because you can’t read other’s minds. It may be done with more tenderness in love but you still need to negotiate to make it a success.”
MLAs only work, says Cadell, if both parties are willing to come to the table. “Otherwise it won’t work,” she says. But when it does, it really opens the communication in a relationship, she adds. “You learn each other’s boundaries and what the deal breakers are.”
She tells the story of an older guy who married a beautiful woman but complained that it has been two year since she’d given him oral sex, something he had enjoyed immensely before they married. “I told him it was his own fault for not telling her up front how important oral sex was to him,” explains Cadell. “We all have our issues and we all have things that take priority. Talking about them intimately should be as easy as choosing from a menu.”
Unfortunately, we’re not taught how to love, how to communicate intimately or how to deal with emotions like jealousy or power struggles. So we go in blindly and then act surprised and blindsided when our partner disappoints us even though we’ve never discussed our boundaries, expectations and deal breakers. Cadell feels this stuff should be taught in school.
Which is why she started a Loveology University (loveologyuniversity.com) where you can take 30 different courses in all aspects of love. You even get a digital trophy and a certificate in love upon passing.
The MLA™ is FREE to print out online at www.avacadell.com and www.loveologyuniversity.com.
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©Josey Vogels 2009
Tags: defining marriage boundaries, expectations in marriage, Josey Vogels, marital, MLA Contract, Sex and relationships, understanding relationships