Dear Josey
Dear Josey,
I am a 41-year-old single mom (never been married) and I met a 45-year-old single dad (also never been married) man 10 months ago. We had our own homes, shared time together everyday and shared our bed. He suddenly stopped communicating with me one month ago and it appears that I have been DUMPED! He fooled me into thinking we were moving towards a long-term relationship but he had major difficulties talking whenever problems arose. I loved him, accepted him for who he is (I’m an extrovert and he’s an introvert) but everything ended abruptly. He even started accusing me of being with other men which is not true. Do you think he got scared of commitment, or he just freaked out trying to keep up with me?
Dumped and Confused
Dear Dumped,
Ah, the old silent dump. A classic. And he even threw in a “making stuff up about you so he could make it seem like it was your fault” manoeuvre. Nice. Hey, you said the guy had trouble talking about things when problems arose. Apparently, a really big problem arose and he had so much trouble talking about it, that he didn’t even try and simply vamoosed. I don’t know if the guy got scared of commitment or just freaked out trying to keep up with you. And you may never know either. But if these explanations offer some comfort, go with them. Sudden break ups are brutal and you are entitled to do whatever you need to get through it, especially through the crunchy bits at the beginning. But, eventually, you’ll stop trying to come up with explanations or excuses and you’ll stop replaying every moment of the relationship in your head trying to figure out what went wrong and if you could have done anything differently to make him stay and you’ll just realize that some relationships are simply not meant to be and there’s not always an explanation or a reason. It sucks but it’s just the way it is. The important thing is to not let it stop you from getting back on the horse in future. Hopefully next time, you’ll find a better horse.
Dear Josey,
I’ve 32 and I’ve just started seeing this guy I really like. We get along really well and there’s a connection I think we both feel. Here’s the rub. I definitely want kids, and I’m not getting any younger so I don’t want to waste my time with a guy who doesn’t want kids. On the other hand, I really like this guy and I don’t want to scare him off by bringing up the whole kid thing. How should I handle this?
Having Trouble Raising Kids
Dear Having,
Given the fact that Salma Hayek just had a kid at age 41 and Holly Hunter had twins at 47, you’re not exactly an old maid dear. But, I understand that not all of us want to be kickin’ a soccer ball around the backyard with your kids using your walker. I also understand that you don’t want to scare the guy off by making him feel like he’s most useful a potential sperm donor. He may well want kids one day, but bringing this up too soon might make him feel pressured, as things are not far enough along with you two for him to know if he wants them with you (and you with him for that matter). And while you may bring it up only to feel him out on the issue, guys can sometimes misinterpret this as pressure to move things along more quickly than they’re ready. So, I’d opt for door number three. See if you can’t bring up the topic without asking him about it directly. Next time you’re sitting in the park or walking along and spot a family with young kids, make a comment about how cute the kids are or something equally innocuous. Then maybe mention that you love kids and hope to have your own some day. See how he responds. If he says he likes the little rugrats and wants some of his own one day too, you’re good to go. If he’s silent, you can push it a little and ask him if he likes kids and if he hopes to have any of his own one day. He’ll probably suspect you’re feeling him out on the topic but it’s less threatening than asking him point black over dinner: “So dude, you keen on the whole baby thing. Cause I want me a brood and if you’re not into having kids, we might as well get the cheque now.” See the difference?
Send letters to letters@joseyvogels.com and for more information about Josey, visit joseyvogels.com.
©Josey Vogels 2009
Tags: advice, Josey Vogels, letters to Josey, raising topic of kids, scaring off a guy, Sex and relationships, silent dump, stopped communicating