A new year is a great excuse for starting fresh. My fresh start for 2012 is to begin the process of letting go of some of my mothering responsibilities. Now that my children are older (12 and twenty) and fully capable of making their own beds, for example, or bringing their laundry hampers into the basement, I’ve decided to step back so that they can step forward. After all, I remind myself, am I really doing them a favour in the long run by always doing for them what they can do for themselves.
I want to be clear that I don’t think there’s anything wrong with “doing” for them. If my daughter is studying in her room, there’s nothing wrong with surprising her with a cup of hot chocolate and cookies, even though she can boil the kettle and make a snack herself. Nothing wrong with offering to drive her to a friend because it’s cold out and she’d otherwise have to take the bus. These are examples of ways I can show how much I care. They differ, however, from feeling that I have to take responsibility because I think that it’s my obligation to do so or taking responsibility because I fear being blamed if I somehow don’t perform in a way that has become expected. It’s about doing because I want to, not because I feel I have to.
My first step back means that I have to make sure that both of the girls’ alarm clocks are in good working order and that they knew how to set them. Who am I kidding? They are more adept at making electronic things operational than I’ll ever be. My next step involves sharing my intentions with them. Not in a way that makes them feel as if they are being punished, but in a loving, caring way. So, I told them - “I love you guys and I certainly don’t want to see you being late for school, but I’m also tired of and stressed about having to nag you to get out of bed in the morning. So, I’m giving you advance warning that as of the first day of school I won’t be waking you up anymore. It will be your responsibility to set your alarm and get yourselves up with sufficient time to get out of the house on time. I figure that you are more than capable of doing that.”
The response wasn’t too favourable. Turns out they like being woken up by me, even when I’m frustrated. My older daughter asked if I could at least come in once and promised that I wouldn’t have to come back in. My younger daughter said how much she enjoyed snuggling with me in the morning. I almost stepped back into the ring, but I held back and stood my ground. As I write this, less than a week before school begins again, I am still feeling strong. I know that it will take nerves of steel to remain this way, especially as I see the clock ticking closer to the morning bell at school. I know that if I give in – even once – that the exception will become the rule and I will have blown my opportunity for a fresh start.
I figure that once I have remained resolute and steadfast in my attempt to encourage them towards greater independence, that I can then move onto other areas. The possibilities are endless. Imagine – I may even get them to make their own school lunches or order in pizza for the family.
When children are given more personal responsibility, they learn about accountability - such as when they sleep in, arrive late to school and have to explain why or when they don’t complete their homework on time and have to stay in during recess to complete it. Their self confidence and self worth is also enhanced as they become more self reliant. They feel proud of being able to take care of themselves, proud to be “cleaning up” after themselves and proud about becoming increasingly self reliant. My bet is that another positive side effect to pulling back is that, along the way, your children will show more appreciation when you do offer your help. When your time is more of a privilege than an expectation, they appreciate you doing for them rather than being disappointed or angry when you don’t.
Now, just don’t tell your children I told you so!
Sara Dimerman is registered with the College of Psychologists of Ontario and provides counselling to individuals, couples and families out of the Parent Education & Resource Centre in Thornhill, Ontario. She is the author of two parenting books, ‘Am I A Normal Parent?’ and ‘Character Is the Key’ and is one of North America’s leading parenting experts. Learn more or listen to advice from Sara and her colleagues by searching for “helpmesara” podcasts on iTunes or by visiting helpmesara.com.
Dad. Vader. Baba. Tatay. Papa. Apu. Babbo. Tata. Abba. Babbas. Pai. Pop.
However you spell it and no matter how you say it, the words all mean the same: Father.
Now that it’s June and Mothers Day has come and gone, fathers can look forward to their special day.
The relationship between fathers and their daughters is both special and complicated. Although mothers feel softer and are often seen as the nurturers, there’s something special about snuggling with dad. Something about the strength in his arms, the broadness of his shoulders and the sound of his voice that makes a girl feel safe.
However, by the time she’s ten or eleven, a young girl is likely to create physical distance between her father and herself as she embarks on her journey towards becoming a young woman and feels less comfortable with sitting on his lap, having him stroke her hair and kiss her soft cheek. The pang of rejection is often difficult for a father as he struggles to maintain the same closeness that a young girl will often reserve for her mother. This is the complicated side of being father to a daughter.
However, don’t be fooled into straying too far. Try not to take this personally by realizing that this has nothing to do with you. This is your little girl’s first step towards defining personal boundaries – with men especially. You are the very first man in your daughter’s life and how you respond to her creating this space will send a strong message about having her needs heard and respected. Try to find other ways to remain close. Settle for being able to hold her hand briefly as you cross the street. Relish the moments when she’s tired and rests her head on your shoulders.
If you show her unconditional love and acceptance, if you listen to and respect her needs, she will expect that other men in her life will too. If you show her unconditional love, she will not allow herself to become engaged in relationships with men who love her only if she looks or acts a certain way. If you show her respect, she will expect other boys, and eventually men, to treat her as their equals. She will choose partners who listen to what is important to her, validate her and encourage her to assert herself.
When a young girl takes time for herself, maintains hygiene and cares about her grooming and is acknowledged for doing so by her father, in particular, this will be very meaningful. So, when you say something like “wow, you’ve cut your hair. I love the way it frames your beautiful face,” she will glow. When you say “you handled yourself so well in that situation. You asserted yourself without being bossy. You expressed your thoughts so clearly,” she will be thrilled that you have noticed. The way in which a young girl sees herself reflected in her father’s feedback can encourage or discourage her towards becoming a self confident woman.
As well, the way in which a girl’s father treats her mother – whether they are living together or apart – also creates a template for the way in which she will expect to be treated. If she sees her father care for, respect and speak highly of her mother, this will not only foster even greater love towards her father but will also provide a model for her future relationships.
Biology can help a man become a father, but it takes time, effort and careful intention to be a dad. A dad may have given you life or may have come into your life later on. The person who plays the role of dad may also be dad to your mom. He may even be mom’s brother. Being a dad is a huge responsibility but also an awesome privilege. This Father’s Day, take a few minutes to reflect on the role you want to play in your daughter’s life and the amazing opportunity you have to shape her future. And if your daughter’s grown into a woman, spend some extra time with her on this day too to celebrate the many years that you’ve shared together.
Sara Dimerman, C.Psych.Assoc., provides in office and over the phone counseling to individuals, couples and families. A parent herself, she is the author of two parenting books, ‘Am I A Normal Parent?’ and ‘Character Is the Key.’ Listen to advice by Sara and other experts by searching for “helpmesara” on iTunes. Find out more at www.helpmesara.com.
I remember, as if it were yesterday, tearful telephone conversations with my friend as she anticipated her first born child leaving home, bound for a University a few hours drive away from home. Between sobs, she shared her worries about how he would fend for himself, whether he would eat enough “proper” food and how many hours of sleep he would get each night. She reminisced about tucking him into bed when he was younger and even said she’d miss having to drag him out of bed in the morning. As each day passed into weeks and then months, so my friend learnt to cope with seeing him sporadically. In fact, she guiltily admitted – not so long ago –to even having come to enjoy the extra space to spread out in the house and to not having to cater to his discriminating palate. More recently, she called me in a panic – “I can’t believe I’m saying this,” she whispered, “but I’m almost counting the days until he goes back to University again!” I reassured her that she was not alone. That many parents who are at first anxious and mourning the separation between themselves and their children, eventually get to the point of desperately seeking strategies to cope with how to successfully integrate their children back into their lives. Here are some pointers:
1. Revisit old rules and expectations. If your child has lived away for several months, she has come to experience freedom and independence beyond what she has ever known before. She was able to come and go as she pleased without asking permission. So, when she returns home, she too will be struggling with having to live by old rules and conditions. So, now is a good time to revisit the old and consider revising what once was. Should a curfew still be in effect? What are your expectations about connecting as a family – to eat dinner together, for example?
2. Create new rules that everyone can live by. Mutual respect is key. When your almost adult child complains about having to tell you when he will return home at night, remind him that these rules are not just meant for parents and children. In most homes, even spouses share when they expect to return home. How else would one know when to begin sending out a search party!
3. Tidy up after oneself. Another basic rule that I think helps to maintain a healthy family unit is to remember to tidy up after oneself. So long as you model this too, you might want to suggest that so long as everyone picks up after him or herself, that there will not be as much work for the primary picker upper. So, for example, if a family member takes the last bag of milk out of the plastic bag in the fridge, he or she should throw the bag out. Or, if someone takes a blanket to lie underneath while lying on the couch to watch TV, that person should return the blanket to its original spot.
4. Finish what you start. Another rule that works well requires that family members finish what they start. So, if a family member is in the process of organizing their collection of cd’s when they receive an invitation to go out for the afternoon, it would helpful if he or she complete sorting through and putting away the cd’s before they leave. Keeping on task and free from distractions can be difficult but if not adhered to, can leave a whole bunch of loose ends untied, often creating chaos for a family living together.
5. Baby steps towards more family time. Even though your son or daughter may have been living with a group of other students for months, he or she would most likely have had a lot of personal time and space, free of interruptions, requests or nagging. There may be a period of adjustment as you try to wean them away from solitary confinement behind a closed door and encourage them to hang out with the family. Adjust your expectations as you prepare for this. Lure them out of their rooms with the smell of their favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting from the kitchen or the sound of their favourite television program that you used to love watching together.
6. Acknowledge this period of adjustment and share your feelings. Instead of pretending that everything is exactly as it once was, acknowledge how things have changed. Let your child know that you realize that he or she has had the opportunity to be independent and that you are proud of how he or she has risen to the challenge. Share how challenging it is for you too to revisit and revise old rules and expectations and to find new ways of living together. If this is true for you, share how difficult it is to be spending so little time together after such a prolonged time apart.
7. Bite your tongue. There are times when you are going to want to say things like “things were so much more peaceful when you were gone. I’d love to pack your bags and drive you back today.” Bite your tongue. You will likely regret what you say. Instead, let your child know that you are extremely frustrated, angry, hurt (or whatever else you might be feeling) and that you need some time to think things through. Then take time out until you feel more prepared to talk things through calmly.
8. Allow him to reclaim his old space. If you’ve transformed his bedroom into your computer room or sewing nook, try to switch it back to what it was before he left home. Otherwise, he’ll think that you couldn’t wait to get rid of him. This could lead to feelings of resentment.
9. Change is good. Even though your child may have changed somewhat, to the point of wanting to assert herself and challenge what she once accepted, relish these changes and try to re frame them so that you can see the positive. So long as you can work as a team towards implementing rules that everyone can live by and continue to acknowledge the transitional challenges, you may find that these changes are for the good.
10. This too shall pass. Rest assured that with time, and a few minor tweaks, you’ll settle into a comfortable rhythm soon. Before long, you’ll be anticipating your child’s departure with some trepidation and counting the days until his or her return home again!
Sara Dimerman is registered with the College of Psychologists of Ontario and provides counselling to individuals, couples and families out of the Parent Education Resource Centre in Thornhill, Ontario. Sara is a nationally recognized relationship and parenting expert and is the author of two books, Am I A Normal Parent? and Character Is the Key. Visit her website at helpmesara.com.
Finding me and we time can be difficult for couples, but not impossible. When figuring out how to create opportunities to spend time as a couple and time alone with adult friends, be aware of what most couples argue about and then learn how to overcome these arguments by reading my ten tips below:
1. The “it’s not fair” syndrome. Couples most commonly argue about who gets more time out. One may feel jealous or resentful that “he gets to go out with his friends while I’m at home continuing to do laundry and put the kids to bed.” Although you may feel angry or abandoned, try not to take his wanting to go out alone personally. It’s not usually a reflection of how he feels about you but is more about his needing some space to let go of his usual responsibilities. The trick to negotiating time apart is to understand one another’s personal needs and feelings (“confined,” “abandoned” or “overwhelmed” for example), then to try to accommodate each other without feeling that the arrangement is lopsided. Even if you don’t want to leave the house, perhaps even having time alone to take a bubble bath while your partner puts the kids to bed might feel more fair.
2. Neither gets time out. Sometimes, life is so hectic with work and kids and other responsibilities, that neither person gets time out. It’s equally as important (if not more) for couples to find time to devote towards one another as it is for each to find time alone. So, make sure that you talk about how to make this happen. Some couples enjoy taking turns at planning date nights. Sometimes it’s easier to arrange to be together at the same time and day each week – even day time hours are good for dating.
3. Different expectations. Couples also commonly argue about how much social time each should spend apart. Each person’s expectations may be different. Usually these are not discussed before living together or getting married. So, whereas one person may believe that she should have the freedom to plan time away from her spouse or children whenever she chooses, her partner may feel that two nights out in a row is excessive. Understanding and acknowledging each other’s expectations and then compromising is important. Be sensitive to your partner’s concerns and be realistic about the lifestyle changes that need to be made once you take on the responsibility of being part of a couple or having children.
4. Places off limit. Couples argue about where their partners should spend time with their friends. She might be fine with him hanging out at a friend’s home with a group of guys and playing poker but not okay with him hanging out with that same group of friends at a bar. He might be fine with her going out for coffee with a friend but not okay with her going away on vacation with a group of girls. Discuss the reasons for each other’s reservations, listen closely and consider the rationale behind each argument. It’s true that venturing into certain places where singles generally convene can be a recipe for trouble. So, think about the consequences to your relationship if you continue to choose to go to places that your partner feels strongly against.
5. Negative peer influences. Couples sometimes argue about who their partners should have time out with. She may prefer that he hang out with his married friends as opposed to his single mates. He may prefer that she not hang out with a particular friend who puts him down. Consider each other’s points of view and work at reassuring your partner that you will not be unduly influenced by your peers. Help him or her feel that you are on the same team.
6. Accessibility. Couples sometimes argue about how accessible each should be to the other when apart. She may be angry that his cell phone’s answering machine picks up after one ring and he may be angry that she leaves her cell phone at home when she goes out. It’s best if your partner feels that he or she can reach you even when you are apart, especially in case of an emergency. Make sure your cell phone is on vibrate so that even if you can’t hear the ringing, you’ll know that you are needed. Of course, each needs to be respectful of the other’s need for time away and shouldn’t be calling just to check up or in.
7. Weekends are sacred. Some couples decide on specific nights of the week for his and her nights out. There are some couples who include weekends as part of this equation, but my recommendation is that in most cases, weekends should be reserved for time together as a couple or time with family.
8. Be conscious of time and state. You’re likely to create conflict if you stumble in, inebriated, at one in the morning. It is also less likely that your partner will be inclined to encourage you to take time for yourself too soon. Be responsible and respectful of each other and talk about boundaries that you both feel comfortable working within.
9. People transition differently. Some have a more difficult time transitioning from a single, carefree independent lifestyle to that of having to ‘answer’ to another person (”don’t treat me like a child” syndrome). Others may be more accepting of the responsibilities and changes that go along with becoming a couple. If you accept that everyone is different, you may be more understanding of the position that your partner is coming from.
10. Time apart can be healthy. Time apart can better your time together. If you are able to negotiate an amount of time that feels right for each of you and come to an agreement about where, when, how and with whom to spend that time apart, then when you come together, you may feel more connected and appreciate one another more.
Sara Dimerman is registered with the College of Psychologists of Ontario and provides counselling to individuals, couples and families out of the Parent Education Resource Centre in Thornhill, Ontario. Sara is a nationally recognized relationship and parenting expert and is the author of two books, Am I A Normal Parent? and Character Is the Key. Visit her website at helpmesara.com.
For some, this time of year conjures up warm and fuzzy memories of being with people they love. Of cozy mornings sipping hot chocolate in front of beckoning fireplace embers, of looking forward to opening gifts and revelling in the pleasure of giving.
For many, however, this time of year is filled with dread. The memories are not so warm and fuzzy. In fact, they are sometimes heated and uncomfortable. Coming together as a family is not always as one would hope. Thoughts that this time might be different than last often fades as old tensions and unresolved issues emerge. For many, the stress associated with wanting to fulfill another’s wish list or keeping up with an over committed schedule may prove overwhelming. Below are ten tips for coping with the stress that this time of year often brings:
1. Change your expectations. Don’t expect that this year will be different or better than the last. Decide to just accept what is – for better or worse. Try to erase the images of years gone by and start fresh.
2. Don’t try to live up to other’s expectations. Be who you are. If you can’t afford to give large, expensive gifts, purchase a smaller, just as thoughtful gift. Or if you feel up to it, make something yourself. These often make the most special gifts.
3. Dress for comfort, not to impress. If you can’t be bothered with formal attire and you know you’re going to be uncomfortable just because you feel that there is an expectation to dress a certain way, consider your own needs. You can still dress appropriately and respectfully without having to pretend to be someone you are not.
4. Change things around. If you’re just keeping up with old traditions for traditions sake and not because they feel good, then consider changing things around. Create new traditions. For example, if you’ve always hosted a big meal and prepared everything yourself, but are tired of doing this, then consider a pot luck dinner at someone else’s house.
5. Take time for yourself. This time of year is typically when friends and family catch up on seeing one another. If this works for you, then enjoy. However, if you usually exit the holiday season feeling exhausted, consider spending some time on your own or with immediate family only – to relax and unwind.
6. Toss obligatory chores. If you’ve been sending holiday greeting cards to the same people every year just because you feel a sense of obligation to do so, stop. Chances are that the recipient will sense that a once a year obligatory card is just that. Send cards and gifts to only those you really care about and waste less time taking on chores you would rather do without.
7. Do away with wish lists. Although wish lists may be extremely helpful for some, they are often a recipe for disappointment. When children, especially, don’t have all (or most) of their wish list, fulfilled, they are bound to feel upset. Aside from the items often being big ticket ones, wish lists take away the opportunity for the giver to be creative or to think about what the recipient might want or need. Children often feel disappointed if a parent deviates from the list and ungrateful children typically leave parents feeling disappointed too.
8. Redefine giving. Instead of focussing on material gift giving, discuss other options with your family. For example, spend time helping out at a soup kitchen or a food bank with your family so that you can experience the value of giving your time – that’s priceless.
9. Don’t overindulge. If you’re feeling stressed, try not to drown your stressors by drinking or eating excessively. This will only add to your stress later on. Rather, go for a walk or vent your stress on a punching bag.
10. See your therapist. Knowing the stress that this time of the year often brings, book an appointment with your therapist in advance of the holidays so that once the flurry of activity is over, you can vent.
Sara Dimerman, Dip.C.S., C. Psych. Assoc., is registered with the College of Psychologists of Ontario and provides counselling to individuals, couples and families out of the Parent Education Resource Centre, in Thornhill, Ontario. Sara is the author of two parenting books - Am I A Normal Parent? (Hatherleigh Press, 2008) and ‘Character Is The Key?’ (Wiley & Sons, 2009). Sara is a sought after media expert - often quoted in newspapers, magazines and appears on radio and television across North America. Visit her website at www.helpmesara.com.
WRITTEN BY