As a child, I remember belting out the lyrics from Alice Cooper’s School’s Out Forever - “no more pencils, no more books, no more teachers dirty looks” - on the last day of each school year. I haven’t heard those words for a long time, but they come to mind now as I gaze nostalgically at the graduation pictures of both of our daughters – one who has just completed four years of University and the other who is only months away from completing grade 8.
And while there’s some excitement about having completed one more chapter of their lives and moving towards the next, I believe that for Chloe especially, the loss of what she’s leaving behind overshadows the excitement of what’s to come. Her apprehension about her segue into High School along with her sadness at leaving her familiar and safe school environment behind are reflected in her words: “Mom, after ten years at the same school, I feel like I’m leaving home and all my siblings behind.” Her words reminded me that transitions like the one from grade eight into High School can be challenging, difficult, frightening and sad.
For Chloe, there’s worry about her very closely knit group of friends becoming unravelled as they integrate into a much larger school environment with students from many other schools coming together. She knows it’s going to be different going from one new class to another, uncertain about which familiar faces she will see. In part she looks forward to increased independence but a bigger part of her wants to hold onto the familiarity of old friends and teachers who have become like extended family.
Along with thousands of other graduates, as Chloe prepares to make this bold leap into the world of High School, she is engaged in lots of closing rituals and preparations such as joining her friends for a tour of the new school and meeting new teachers to help bridge the gap. Graduation ceremonies and parties, signing year books, taking pictures of one another and taping a picture of the graduating class to her wall – all ways of saying goodbye and beginning to accept what is just around the corner.
The leap from grade eight into High School is perhaps one of the most dramatic. Perhaps because of the number of years that the children – now teenagers - have been in the same place and the relationships that they have developed as each child has undergone many changes. Graduating from senior kindergarten, while not as dramatic, may still be anxiety provoking for many. For some children, it means going from a half to a full day program, less play time and more structured work activities. Transitioning from High School to College or University requires great adjustment too. Then, it’s not just about one’s group of friends being diluted, but dealing with the loss of friendships as many journey to different cities and towns to pursue higher education. Suddenly, friends your children may have spent their entire growing up years with, are scattered. This again can certainly create feelings of loss, sadness and uncertainty.
So, if your child is a senior kindergartner, in grade eight, twelve or about to complete college or university, don’t be surprised to see changes in his or her behaviour or emotional tone around now. Normalize his or her mixed emotions and recognize that even during transitional celebrations, there are pangs of longing for what one has held so close and dear for so many years.
Sara Dimerman has been an individual, couple and family therapist for over twenty years. She is one of North America’s most trusted parenting and relationship experts and the author of three books - ‘Am I A Normal Parent?’, ‘Character Is the Key’ and a book for couples – ‘How can I be your Lover when I’m too Busy Being your Mother?’ Learn more or listen to advice from Sara and her colleagues by searching for ‘helpmesara’ podcasts on iTunes or by visiting www.helpmesara.com. Check out her Facebook page at www.facebook.com/saradimermanhelpmesara or follow Sara on Twitter @helpmesara.
One of the most common concerns amongst parents is sibling rivalry. Sometimes the rivalry is quite innocuous – like when siblings fight over which side of the couch to sit on or who got more French fries. Other times it’s more extreme, like when there’s hair pulling and toys being thrown like speeding bullets from one end of the room to another.
Parents typically step in but then end up becoming part of the hostile dynamics. Their kids accuse them of taking sides, making the situation worse or being unfairly punitive. An intervention at the first sign of a fistful of hair is not a bad idea, but what about the majority of the time, when spats are not as serious or potentially harmful?
I know that it’s only with the best of intentions that you try to mediate - hoping to end the fight quickly so as to restore relative calm. You may also worry about your children’s future relationship. So, a mom might say something like “no one knows you or cares about you like your brother (or sister) and when dad and I are older, it would be nice to know that you are going to be good to each other when we are gone.”
Unfortunately, there is no guarantee. Even though parents of only children often feel guilty about not giving their child a sibling – potentially the longest relationship that one has with another human being in their lifetime - many adults say their relationship with their siblings are so estranged that it would be less painful to have been an only child.
When I ask adults “if you were not related to your sibling by birth (or by living in the same family), would you choose him or her to be your friend?” many say that they would not. So, the question is: why not?
There are many reasons for division between siblings, some of which originate during their growing up years or are due to factors that no one has any control over. For example, there is birth order to consider and the way that each child feels as a result of his or her position in the family. The age gap between siblings can affect their relationship and added to this, the age and time of life at which parents had each. Siblings, despite being raised by the same parents, may have very different personalities, temperaments and outlooks on life. They may just not be compatible. The dynamics at home can affect sibling relationships too. One child may identify more with angry, resentful mom, for example, and the other may have a special place in her heart for dear dad who she perceives as being belittled and down trodden. This division within the family may be played out by the siblings – when they are young and even as they grow into adults - with each defending the other parent’s position. Parents, tell your children that you appreciate their help but that mom and dad can fight their own battles.
You may wonder if working on family dynamics, exploring how you model resolving issues in relationships with your adult siblings, and changing some of your behaviour towards your children’s battles will ensure that everything will go according to plan. Not entirely, but the odds will be increased. Even siblings with different temperaments can agree to disagree. Sometimes they don’t always like or are disappointed in the other, but there’s an increased likelihood of them being able to work through this so long as parents don’t try to enforce love and affection and a feeling that to love one’s sibling is a responsibility or obligation.
Other factors that affect how well or poorly your children get along – now and later - include what you say to each about or in front of the other. Even telling one child how much better behaved he is than his brother or confiding in one child about how frustrated you are with her sister can lead to no good. The better behaved child may not appreciate being put on a pedestal and the message he gets is that his brother is inferior. Confiding in a child about his sibling puts him in a difficult position. If you want to create a strong alliance between siblings, then let them be on the same team.
When your child is frustrated with her sibling and comes to tell you about it, try not to take sides. Instead, encourage each of them to work it out together. Let them know that you have confidence that they can. And when they’re struggling and share mean words with you about the other, listen and acknowledge but try not to pass judgement or put a band aid on it. Instead of “don’t say that about your sister. She didn’t mean what she said and you should love her,” rather say something like “you’re angry and frustrated with your sister and don’t want to be around her right now. But I know you can work it out later.”
Although your intentions to help your children work things out when they are young are honourable, consider that you may be robbing them of the opportunity to work through their issues. Allow them to work things out (not just when they are young, but when they are adults too ) – not for you, but because they want to. Often siblings grudgingly work things out when their parents are alive because they don’t want to disappoint or upset them. Then, when the parents pass away, the sibling relationship falls apart.
So, the next time your children are fighting, think about short term pain for long term gain and keep in mind that your intervention may actually result in quite the opposite of what you’re hoping for.
Sara Dimerman has been an individual, couple and family therapist for over twenty years. She is one of North America’s most trusted parenting and relationship experts and the author of three books - ‘Am I A Normal Parent?’, ‘Character Is the Key’ and a book for couples – ‘How can I be your Lover when I’m too Busy Being your Mother?’ Visit helpmesara.com and follow Sara on Twitter @helpmesara
I actually looked for a baked potato recipe tonight. It felt a little strange, but baked potatoes can often be starchy, and I’m so glad I did.
The Food Network provided the inspiration for a new method of baking (on the rack) that was a huge hit with our barbecue. We added margarine, sour cream and fried bell peppers for a delicious side dish.
As your busy little bees start preparing for the beginning of a whole new school year, it seems as though there is a huge list of things that have to get done, but are not really fun. Here are a few things that will put a smile on both your and their faces… and make back to school a much more enjoyable experience!
Jazz it up! Instead of buying a new lunchbox and pencil case, try decorating last year’s! Give it a whole new look. Start by taking a trip to your nearest arts and crafts supply store and picking up some glitter glue or fabric paint along with other decorations. Spend an afternoon transforming last years boring lunchbox in to this year’s super cool, uniquely self-decorated lunch box. It will be different to everyone else’s, and you will have less trouble finding it amongst all of the others!!
Mighty muffins! Reduce the morning breakfast chaos by making a variety of muffins in advance and then freezing them. Of course, everyone has a favourite. Below I have included my favourite oatmeal muffin recipe. It is from a cook book that I worked on with cookbook author Norene Gilletz (Norene’s Healthy Kitchen). The recipes calls for ½ cup dried cranberries or raisins, but you can substitute that for a ½ cup of your family’s favourite add-in (see notes below for ideas). If you are not an experienced baker and would prefer, you can purchase a muffin mix from the store. I would recommend an oatmeal or an all-purpose mix. These two will taste great with any additions.
Double Oats Cranberry Muffins
You will need:
1 cup whole wheat or all-purpose flour
¾ cup rolled oats
¼ cup oat bran cereal
1 ¼ tsp baking powder
½ tsp baking soda
1 tsp ground cinnamon (I use 2-3 tsp…my kids love cinnamon!!!)
1 large egg (or 2 egg whites)
1/3 cup canola oil
½ cup lightly packed brown sugar
1 cup plain non-fat yogurt (flavoured yogurt would work too!)
½ cup dried cranberries or raisins
Method:
1. Preheat the oven to 400F. Spray compartments of a muffin pan with a non-stick cooking spray (or line with paper liners).
2. In a food processor fitted with the steel blade, combine the flour, oats, oat bran, baking powder, baking soda and cinnamon; process for 5 seconds to blend. Add the egg, oil, brown sugar and yogurt; process for 25-30 seconds or until smooth and blended. Stir in the cranberries or your own additional ingredient with a rubber spatula.
3. Scoop the batter into the prepared muffin pan, filling each compartment three quarters full. Bake for 20-25 minutes or until the tops are golden brown and spring back when lightly touched.
Yield: 12 muffins.
Notes:
This recipe scan be doubled easily
The muffins freeze well for up to 3 months
Some delicious add-ins include: shredded carrots, semi-sweet chocolate chips, blueberries, strawberries or raspberries or mixed berries, grated apple and / or shredded cheese.
Use re-sealable plastic bags and labels, when freezing…that way, on a busy morning you know exactly which muffins are where!
Lessen the stress! Here are some tips to help make the transition into the new school year a little easier on everyone…
1. Getting back to basics with bedtime: If your children have been keeping summer hours, like mine, and going to bed later than usual… try to start putting them into bed at a more “school suitable” time.
2. Becoming locker savvy: This year my daughter has a locker for the first time… I have taken the time to let her practice with her combination lock, so that on the first day she will not be anxious about it!
3. Friendly faces make for a great first day…During the summer, kids often go to camp with different kids than with whom they go to school. Take an afternoon and plan a play date with another child with whom your child will be going to school. By spending time beforehand with a child that may be in their class, they will have a friend to “hang with” on their first day.
4. Everything in moderation…Take your kids to the grocery store and let them pick out some fruits, vegetables and other yummy items that they would like to take in their lunch boxes. They are more likely to eat a lunch that they have played a part in planning. Don’t forget the treats!
5. Fashion Frenzy! Take some time the night before to help the children pick out their clothes for the next day. There is nothing worse than a child wanting to wear their favourite t-shirt for the first day only to find out that it is in the wash!
6. Question Session: Ask your child about their concerns about going back to school…see if you can give them some ideas or answers that may alleviate their anxiety. Some common concerns for kids, especially kids new to a school, include: Where is the bathroom? Will I have a friend in my class? Will I like my new teachers? How does drop-off and pick-up work?
There is definitely a lot of joy and trepidation associated with the start of a new school year. I find that being organized and maintaining consistency seems to lessen my anxiety and the whole family’s. Kids are smart and very perceptive. If we appear calm, ready and confident, they will feel the same way. Their attitude towards the start of the school year will be one filled with positivity and excitement. Full Steam Ahead!!! (… and good luck!!)
Shelley Sefton is a chef, recipe developer & creator of “Yummy in my Tummy” - classes for kids that offers them the opportunity to experience exciting adventures in the kitchen – combining education, art, food and most important of all FUN! Contact: (905) 597-0672 or sdsefton@rogers.com.
I have been meeting with the same group of seven wonderful women once a month for almost ten years at our Gourmet Club. We have experienced boyfriends, break-ups, engagements, weddings and babies together. We alternate homes, choose a theme, and each bring a part of the meal (along with the recipe if we remember).
At first, the best part of meeting was adding to our personal recipe collections, as many of us were virtual strangers. Now while the food is still great, the real pleasure is catching up, laughing and enjoying a night out together.
I look forward to our Gourmet Club each month, and wanted to share some of the many themes we have enjoyed, to make it easy for you to create your own fun night out. If the term ‘gourmet’ sounds too intimidating, simply call it a ‘potluck’ or ‘dinner’ club.
Themes:
Colour
Holiday
Letter (i.e. Starts with ‘C’)
Cold
Spicy
Sweet
Picnic
BBQ
Brunch
Cookbook Author
Fruit
Fresh Herbs
Dessert Night
5 Ingredients or Less
20 Minutes or Less
Raw foods
Children enjoy painting their own ceramics from the process of picking out their piece to completing their masterpieces. After bringing the pieces home, they can choose where to display their ‘work of art’. Truly a treat!
During the outing while the children paint, you can watch parents pointing out spots that are still paintless, and trying to control mess from spreading to the table or clothes.
… but just imagine painting the pieces yourself. Paint ’your’ own ceramics can be a fun and different night out with friends, a spouse or partner. It is creative and your completed project will remind you of the evening. Some places will also let you bring along your own snacks (or wine), but call ahead to ask first.
We found a great new product for celebrating the relationships in your life including family members, friends and teachers at the Babytime Show - Thought SpotsTM.
Thought SpotsTM are inspiring messages, learning concepts, everyday communications and growth building thoughts on a spot … spots which can be placed on mirrors and most shiny surfaces and stick without adhesives, to send messages to yourself or your loved ones.
Thought SpotsTM are sold online as single spots or grouped under themes into packs, including topics such as Self Love and Acceptance, Relationship, Girl Talk, Encouragement, New Mom and more.
The You Are My … Thought Pack including messages such as you are my CUTIE PATOOTIE, you are my COOKIE MONSTER and you are my PUMPKIN PIE was kid-tested and approved with big smiles.
Visit www.thoughtspots.ca for a complete sleection of thought packs and big thoughts.
At first, the best part of meeting was adding to our personal recipe collections, as many of us were virtual strangers. Now while the food is still great, the real pleasure is catching up, laughing and enjoying a night out together. 
We found a great new product for celebrating the relationships in your life including family members, friends and teachers at the Babytime Show - Thought Spots